Have You Been Called An Enabler?
"Have You Ever Been Called An Enabler?"
By: Vincent J. McCaskill - Lead Pastor at By God Inspired Community Church
I have heard the word “enabler” used a lot over the course of many years. Some of the time it was used regarding people who allowed certain behaviors in other individuals to continue on the same course. And the majority of times I heard it used as people described parenting styles. I heard it used the most when people discussed the marriages of others. So today, I want to deal with where I heard the term enabler used the most… when referring to the people in marriages.
Enabler is a noun and is defined as a person or thing that makes something possible. It is also defined as a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another. This is something humans have defined as we are quick to point out when we think someone is an enabler that “makes something possible,” or “who encourages negative or self-destructive behavior in another.”
How does one encourage self-destructive behavior? When a person SEES someone spinning out of control but intentionally COVERS IT UP and acts as if nothing is wrong. This person is more worried about how people might view him or her. Yes… this person is ENABLING a behavior pattern.
Then there are those who see the behavior of an individual that is not quite right, but they don’t know how to approach the situation. So they do the same thing over and over again hoping/praying for a change, but not sure how to make that change happen. This person is NOT an enabler. This person is attempting to demonstrate unconditional love in most cases. And what keeps a person going is the power of GRACE. Grace is Kingdom power that allows a person to move forward in service without expecting that same service to be reciprocated. You are NOT enabling. You are demonstrating the power of the Kingdom of Heaven to love people even if they don’t love you back the same way. The only way a person can do this is if he or she has Jesus in them. That kind of love only comes from the Father in Heaven and can only be replicated if a person truly has His Holy Spirit leading him or her. This is selflessness which is viewed by some as foolishness. This is kindness which is viewed by some as naïve. This is meekness which is viewed by some as weak. This is mercy which is viewed by some as enabling. This is the longsuffering which is viewed by some as foolish. Selflessness, gentleness, meekness, kindness, mercy, self control and longsuffering are the fruits of the spirit as it is written in Galatians 5:22-26. Those who have the Holy Spirit will be able to demonstrate these fruits up against painful situations… but those who don’t understand things of the spirit will call what you are doing foolish… enabling.
We have to understand that the person who is engaged in self-destructive behavior is completely responsible for his/her decisions...which manifest actions that are leading to self destruction. Those who are called enablers in this situation are too prideful to bring outside help to the situation. That’s the difference… when a person knows someone is spinning out of control, knows where to get help, but chooses not to get that person the help needed for fear of how people might view him or her who has the keys to the help. The enabler title can be applied to that person. But when a person just doesn’t know what to do, but that person really wants change in the person… unconditional love is the motivating factor that leads this person. And that’s where people misuse the label enabler when unconditional love is the motivating factor. Unconditional love demonstrates the fruits of the spirit even when others might view the person demonstrating those fruits as foolish. The person who can serve through his/her personal pain cares less about what others think of him or her, because that person is more concerned about the soul of the person he or she is serving.
When I think about what Jesus did for humanity, based on the current definition of enabling… one might say that Jesus act of unconditional love enabled things to continue on. Was Jesus an enabler? Absolutely not. Jesus demonstrated the power of grace through His unconditional love for those who did not reciprocate that love. Even today, we can not begin to understand just how much God loves us, yet we do not show the same love to Him. The problem with most humans is that their love is contingent on what that person will be able to reciprocate. This is selfishness manifested. And then there are those who are on the receiving end of unconditional love… but either are unwilling to reciprocate for selfish reasons or that person does not know how to demonstrate unconditional love because that person truly has not been taught to completely surrender/die to self.
I am so thankful that God displayed mercy on me when I did not see me the way He sees me. I am so glad that He continued to love me when I did not know how to show that same love back to Him. His mercy gave me time to wake up and see things the way He sees them… which brought about a profound change in my life. Seeing His unconditional love and my lack of returning that love the same way has lit a fire under me that continues to burn. I now show it to those who may not deserve it, but my decision to demonstrate it will be what God uses to show that person what they always had…but was blind to see what God was doing for him/her through the vessel that completely died to self and served unconditionally.
We have to understand that demonstrating unconditional love in marriages when the spouse does not reciprocate that same love is not a sign of weakness. It is not enabling. It is truly a sign of strength powered by Grace which is the Spirit of God giving you the ability to do that. You could not do that on your own because the flesh is selfish. It is written that in our weakness, God is strong…for His GRACE is sufficient. Grace is God’s power which Jesus demonstrated. And if we genuinely receive Jesus… He will send His spirit to us to give us the power to do what we could not do on our own.
The flesh does not understand that love...therefore it can not return what it doesn't know. The flesh only does things to gratify itself. Those who are led by the flesh will be the first to call you an enabler when you are not led by the flesh. The flesh is enmity against God for it can not please God as it is written in Romans 8:7. Those led by the flesh will only do things that benefit them at the expense of those who are doing it for them. They are selfish, self-centered, attention-seeking , manipulators, and consumed with self in so many ways. To break this down, it’s all about their issues, their wants, their needs… not understanding that in a relationship… you have to die to self to serve the other person even when self may not be up to the task. This is what LOVE really is.
Those led by the flesh are unwilling to die to self, therefore, they won’t even begin to try and do things to truly pour back into the spouse. They likely are this way because the power of Grace flowing through the other spouse has demonstrated strength (which comes from God) in situations. In the selfish person’s mind… he/she has processed what he sees and determined that because of what he sees… it is ok to continue on in the same manner. The person looks at the spouse serving without reciprocating that same love… and then tells himself/herself that “my spouse is on board with me continuing on the way I have been because he/she has not pulled back in serving.” You see… a person who does not understand the things of the spirit will only understand things of the flesh. Therefore, that person knows that if the shoe were on the other foot… they would not do what the person (who has the spirit) is doing. So they come to the conclusion that everything is ok the way it is, not realizing that “my” actions to be selfish are causing longsuffering to the spouse who continues to serve unconditionally.
A selfish mind does not see anything wrong with this. He/she gets the benefits of unconditional love, but doesn’t have to do much giving to continue receiving. This is what the flesh is all about. And those led by the flesh will make it all about them… and never about anyone else.
If you are leaning on God to lead you in this situation… He will give you the strength to endure. At some point, God will bring that season to a close in your life. You just continue serving without expecting anything in return from your spouse. Your reward will be great as the Father never allows any of His children to be put to shame. Your actions will be what God shows that person one day which will hopefully bring about a change in that person’s heart… whether you are with them or not. You cared more about the person’s soul than you cared about your own self. You served when it was hard. You endured through the longsuffering. You demonstrated the power of Grace. But to a worldly/carnal person… the power that was demonstrated is viewed as weak and foolish because that person has not completely surrendered to God in all areas of his/her life. That person still views things with a carnal mind… which is inherently selfish. You… on the other hand… have been selfless.
You my friend have enabled… yes… you have enabled the power of the Holy Spirit to give you the strength to overcome the flesh which wants you to be selfish. You have enabled the Holy Spirit to use you as a vessel to bring the Kingdom of Heaven upon the Earth in your environment. You have enabled the beginning of change. Change may not look like what you are expecting… but there will be change for your good. You just hold on and allow patience to have her perfect work as it is written. You patience… your struggle has likely pushed you into purpose which can only be found when you hunger for God as much as your need to breathe.
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